Sometimes it happens out of the blue that I notice that my way of seeing is a bit different than the way of seeing from “normal” people around me. I am not saying better or worse, just different. And I am sure that I do not stand alone with this notion. Why is this so? Maybe I – and others – are drawn to visual media like photography, to get the visual emphasis that we prefer? Subconsciously?
Maybe for some it is this way. For me it is more like what a moskito bite might do to you: you notice it peripherically and scratch a bit. The scratching makes the itching get worse which makes you react by scratching even more … until it bleeds. It might even get infected. But of course some people are more likely to scratch to the bone than others. And some use repellents to avoid the whole issue to begin with.
For me to start with photography was like a slightly itching moskito bite that made me scratch by picking up the camera. And then it got worse. Now I think about itching and scratching all the time. It has infected my life – like it has done with so many other lives – it has become a necessity.
Now this necessity does not imply that I have to take it out there. I would make images even if I were the only person ever to see my work – even if I were the only person IN this world! It reminds me of the poetry slams that we did as students in Konstanz, which hugs the beautiful and huge Bodensee in the South of Germany. Every time a storm would come up, whipping over the dark grey waters of the sealike lake, a small group of us would meet at a specific set of rocks and we would step out and yell our words into the wind. No one but the wind would hear the whole thing, regardless of how loud we shouted. And it was very liberating. We would be totally finished and coarse afterwards, but ever so happy!
In a way, making images feels the same to me now. It is liberating … but unlike the poetry slams, the urge is only softened for a very short time, and getting shorter, and the hunger increases. So maybe the moskito bite comparison fits better after all.
So what does it have to do with the image above?
While going after images – at least for the ones that I do for myself – I stopped paying any attention to others. And now, looking up again here and there, I see that something has changed. As if the piece of ice I was standing on broke loose and drifted away from the rest without me noticing. Now, all of the sudden it is too far for me to jump back … even if I wanted. And looking around, there are a lot of pieces of drifting ice with people on it around me. We can even hold hands and talk. Only the mainland is too far away.
The image above is one in a set of pictues I did near London on the day of the golden wedding celebration of my parter’s parents. People know I am associated with photography … and so it is perfectly normal to ask me to bring my camera. And it is perfectly normal for me to do so and to enjoy taking pictures. I did. Only I get absorbed. And afterwards, while editing, I was startled by the idea, that while I was totally happy with my images, and that if the same day happended again I would be standing there doing the very same images, I would probably be the only one of the group of people receiving the edit, that would enjoy it. That was the very first time this thought came to my mind. It was like turning on that piece of ice and noticing that I had drifted away too far from the mainland, to reach over.
At the same time I do not think that anything changed in my way of seeing. Or did it? I think I can just define better what I like or not and frame it. I am only more aware of my desires. I think.
On top of it all, my partner, a British architect, asked me to photograph his latest building. He, of all people I know, is a very visual person, also having had own photographs exhibited in art venues before. So I asked him why he would not do the photographs himself? Especially because he obviously would know better what the essence of his building is and which details he wanted to stress. His answer? He wanted me to do it because I had this totally different way of seeing that he found better suitable for his construction. I still do not understand. Can there be such a difference? When I see something I find it very logical and clear how it has to be photographed. But yes, maybe this is just for me. I can only see the world through my eyes. Not through yours. Not through his.
And coming back to the image above. The whole edit was politely received. I think they liked the two pictures most that I did in the restaurant and that included all the people – because in my pictures I had chosen to have chairs standing in for people. I did the restaurant pictures rather reluctantly because I just knew they were expected. They do not fit to the rest of the edit but … well … I think they might be the only ones that possibly got a printed life and were passed around to others. I admit I felt a bit bad about this, as if I had let people down, who were counting on me. And I am sure I will never get asked to take pictures at an event of my parter’s parents again. Even though nobody said a negative word.
British people are just too polite!
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